mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize