I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
