I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
