If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
