Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
