i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
