I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
