my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
