Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
