Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Randomize
