I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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