i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
