Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
fuck your aforementioned shoe
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Randomize
