I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
