Don't you send me to vm
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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