So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
