Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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