My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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