peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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