My liver just broke up with me...
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
As shirtless as possible
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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