He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Watching her eat just hurts me
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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