Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
