I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
