Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
