Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
