I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
