If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
