Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I am midnight drunk by noon
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Randomize
