Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
