I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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