So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
