I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
