i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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