but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
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