No awkward lesbian experiences without me
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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