Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
