Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
