The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
