You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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