Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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