Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
