I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
