you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
