Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
