Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Randomize
