Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
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