is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
