she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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