if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
