We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
