I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Randomize
