Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
