then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
