Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I just want nice things and good sex
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
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