You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
