my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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