I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
