I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
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