the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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