it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
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