he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I just found a bag of teeth...
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
