There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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