just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
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