If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
