I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
