what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
