To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Drunk is not a location!
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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