they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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