i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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