Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Im part way to drunk.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
