I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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