Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
