Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize
