guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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