I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
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