this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
whose parrot is this?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
